InsaneJournal

Current mood:	content
Current music:	Robbie playing drums..

My Daddy's Memorial and updates..

So, as most of you know, my Daddy's memorial *read:Celebration of Life party* was this past Saturday. In actuality, the insanity started Thursday. I've never had to deal with death on a truly personal level before. I have friends who have, and I've grieved with them, I've lost pets, but I've never been on the full scale rollercoaster ride that is the grieving process. All week I felt there was something wrong with me. I didn't cry at all after monday morning. Yet every time I talked to my sisters, or my dad's sister, they were wrecked and I was kind of like " whatever.." why is everyone taking it harder than me? Russ and my mother both said that for me, it was relief, because I dealt with the day to day frustration, that I had started my grieving that day in January when they found the spots, months before they officially handed down a diagnosis, and because I was in shock. Thursday it hit me, hard. I had a long talk with my neighbor, who has been wonderful to me and my family since the day we moved in. She ran me to the hospital and watched Robbie back in April when we thought we lost Dad. She explained to me everything that he was gonna go through treatment wise, she has taken me to appointments, babysat Robbie, her son ran Dad around doing errands when I couldn't, and they have just been a blessing to us. She was one of the last people to speak with my father, and when she told me all of what was said, it broke me. Later I spoke with my brother in law and that made me feel better and made me cry at the same time. Thursday afternoon, I had to go get "Dad" from the funeral home. I still find myself having a hard time thinking of it as just ashes or cremains, because even though I know it's just a shell and he is no longer there, it's still him, you know? I drove all over hell and half of georgia running errands with him in the trunk because I was kinda creeped by it, and had running commentary with him. I swear I could hear him yelling " you crazy bitch, let me out of the trunk!" and reminding me that he thinks I can't drive for shit LMFAO. I know it's totally inappropriate, but I couldn't help it. My sister informed me last night that she showed him the mountains on her way home, and I think it was her way of making peace with him. She got in Thursday night, and my brother and other big sister got in on Friday morning. We spent most of the day together, and for 4 ppl who have never in their lives been in the same place at the same time, it wasn't awkward like I thought it would be. Friday night, we sat outside, getting drunk and talking until 4 in the morning and it was our own private thing for dad. We told stories, made jokes, found out a lot of not so great things about him, and just shared. The internal monologue filter was off, and everything came out, whether it should have or not, and that intimacy was wonderful.

Saturday, the 4 of us were joined by my neighbors, my best friend and sister of my heart Vicky and her daughter and husband, another sister of my heart, Meagan as well as my girlfriend Candi, and our friends Jay and Holly, the awesomest bar-owners ever! We spent the day watching my neice sleep, watching Candi's adorable daughter dance and sing, and watching Robbie drive his jeep while talking here and there about dad. It was a very relaxing informal setting, but I felt strange because I think some people who didn't know him well, or hadn't spent time with him, but came to offer me support seemed lost and uncomfortable. Once everyone other than the 4 of us and our heart's family left, we made everyone cry. The picture that I had used from my wedding of dad for his obituary I had blown up to 8x10 and framed 4 of them, one for the each of us. I handed those out, along with a candle for each sibling, and each of our Jars of Dad. Russ and Corey * vicky's hubby* lit the 11 candles that I had made as each of us lit the 4 large ones and toasted dad with the last of his Wild Turkey ... and promptly washed it down with whatever we could chase it with. If you've never had it, it's nasty! We had a bonfire after this, and Russ played his drum while my neighbor's son played his guitar and we just sat and drank and laughed and talked late into the night. It was wonderful and relaxing. I spoke a bit, telling them that after all we found out this weekend, we can not break this link again. My father was the only link connecting the 4 of us, but he was the main thing keeping us apart. Now that we are together, we all know we've missed huge chunks of each other's lives, and it was mostly because of petty bullshit and lies that my father told all of us growing up, to keep us apart. Over the last months he told us he regretted it, and was sorry, and that won't change that it happened, but it is up to us all to make sure it doesn't happen again. So despite the circumstances surrounding our reunion, we had a wonderful time bonding and getting to know each other, laughing, and crying, and cementing together the peices we need to build our future. I had mentioned to Russ that I wished Dad would have been able to actively take part in this weekend, he would have enjoyed himself.. He told me that yes, he would have, but had he still been here, it wouldn't have happened, that his dying now, right now, was for a reason, and it was to make things right and bring us all together. My 2 sisters, Noleen, 42, and Patty, 40, have not been with Tim and I all our lives. Noleen lived with us until I was 2 or 3, before Tim was born, and then we didn't see her again until I was 13 or 14 and we weren't allowed to ask questions. Patty lived with us from when I was 5 and Tim was 1, until she got married in 1991, and neither Tim or I had seen her from 93 until this summer. I missed the births of my neices( 14, and 13) and my nephew( 8) and Noleens wedding. They missed countless family gatherings, my wedding * noleen was there, patty wasn't* my son's birth, and too many other things to list. What is in the past no longer matters. This week has showed me that there is truth to the saying " Don't pet the sweaty things and don't sweat the petty things" Life is too short for this. I need to make sure I miss nothing else in my siblings lives as I'm sure they will do as well.

Enough of my ramblings.. I want to THANK each and every one of you who called, emailed, sent comments, made me laugh, smile or just let me cry this last week. I adore all of you, and I couldn't ask for better friends and "family"

Blessed Be to all!